For The ‘Knuckles Dawsons’ We Can Still Save

This is, probably, the hardest thing for me to write. Over the past month, prominent video game community member David “Knuckles Dawson” Dreger, has been missing. He terminated all of his online accounts and his website redirected to a scene from the movie “Dumb and Dumber.” Everyone hoped and prayed that David would be found alive and in good health, but sadly last Friday authorities recovered his body.

I didn’t know David at all, and only knew him vaguely through the vast video game community that we all share. I knew some of his work with Achievement Hunter previously but never had any sort of interaction with him. Even so, watching all of the outpouring of support for him over the past month has touched me very deeply and left me with a number of different thoughts.

I can’t speak for David or his family and would never presume to. However, in speaking from personal experience, I can say that there have been a lot of times that I’ve been at a point in my life where there seems to be only one way out. In short, I’ve attempted suicide multiple times. It’s not something easy to tell anyone, especially strangers online but it’s something I’ve thought about a lot since David’s disappearance.

Now, for some context. At a very young age I was diagnosed with depression. This was following my first suicide attempt, where I tried to kill myself in my middle school bathroom. In retrospect, it seems like the dumbest thing in the world for me to do. I had been picked on for years for being a fat nerd and something in me snapped that day. I put my belt around my neck and tried to strangle myself with it. I was caught and it was decided that I had to see a psychiatrist.

Following this was years of medications and multiple psychiatrists, none of which seemed to help. I was still an angry, depressed kid and life wasn’t getting any easier. I found myself, in multiple cases, thinking that I had to just kill myself. That life would simply be better for everyone if I wasn’t involved in it anymore. Yet, at the same point, I was a dumb kid and I found myself getting caught multiple times. I knew that it was hurting my mom but I justified it by saying that in the end it was the best since all I did was cause pain to people and that I wouldn’t be able to do it anymore.

Eventually, I got out of the nightmare of a high school I went to and tried to move on, but without getting into too many more details things didn’t change much for my depression. I had my heart hurt many times and had many moments that I’d never forget, and not in the good way. I thought that I just needed to be gone. Then, my grandmother, whom had been there for me all of my life passed away in an extremely tragic time of my life.

It was at this time that I began to join communities and make friends online. I had played video games for years, so naturally that’s where I wounded up. I joined forums and eventually began to write on a semi-professional basis. I had the people in my life who I’d never had before. I even began podcasting with a couple of my friends.

Since then, I’ve had a lot of depression still. I’ve still had those moments where I feel that everything is my fault and that everyone would simply be better if I was dead. Yet, because of these communities and meeting with so many people, I’ve found so many people I can always talk with. It’s still a struggle every single day of my life but I’ve got a support.

That’s really what this is all about for me. If you’ve ever had those feelings, know that you’re not alone. I know that sometimes, hearing someone say that isn’t enough but there is always a better option. Even if, like myself, you become convinced that the world is better without you, know that it isn’t. There’s always another option and there’s always a way to make things better for yourself and it’s not by taking your life. There’s help.